Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
