i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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