I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
