drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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