Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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