I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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