Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
