Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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