My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
