Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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