all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
