i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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