Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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