If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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