I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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