Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
