we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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