Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
