Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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