So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
