Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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