Non-Jews are for practice
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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