I puked a lego.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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