fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize