Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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