Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
