while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
