I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
