Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
