I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
