Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
