Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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