Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
