Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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