respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
