she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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