There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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