Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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