She's JV to your varsity
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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