Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
