well I can't set my house on fire every night
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
