Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
