I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
