a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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