im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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