I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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