My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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