Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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