all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
