i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
