Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
