maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
