Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
