im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
