Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
