I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just high enough for therapy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
