I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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