So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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