My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
