I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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