I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have fence marks all over my body
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
