We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
