If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
