Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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