Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
