I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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