i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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