I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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