Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
