On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
